Relocating: Preparing Your Children for a Move
67Preparation depends on age of child, distance of move, other factors
Preparing your child for a move.
First...is the move thousands of miles, or just a few, like to a different suburb of the same city?
Second....is the move for a positive reason? Daddy's got a great new job, he'll be so happy! We'll be closer to your grandma...or your cousins...or the ocean! You'll get your own room!
Third...what ages are the children? Little ones, typically, just want to be close to their parents, their blankies and their favorite snuggy toy. Teens--who are well-settled--don't want anything to upset their status quo. Teens--who aren't well-settled --may relish the idea to start over.
The three above make it difficult to give any kind of specifics re: "how to prepare"...but generally.... try to give the children as much information as possible to the new place! A trip ahead of time to see the place with their own eyes, involving them in the house search, etc. Looking up facts together with the kids, data, on the internet, wikipedia or such, like how cool the zoo is, or famous citizens of this place, sports teams in the area, or looking up factoids about other hobbies, interests that the child already has. Also, if you're moving sometime soon, check out summer activity possibilities very soon! Don't wind up someplace in May or June just to discover that all the cool day camps, etc. are filled already.
Moving Day!
Help when a move looms
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Self help/parenting sections in the bookstore are also a great source....I read several when making my first moves...had to buy fewer and fewer as more and more moves came into our lives. These books can frequently zone in on the ages of the children involved.
What kinds of sacrifices are you, as mom, willing to make...if you know the child's unhappy about this move...are you going to move them away from everything familiar, then plunk them down in some strange town and race off to spend 40-50 hours a week at some new job? Could you commit to staying home for awhile and helping this child adjust, have some more mommy-time as they acclimate to a new town? Sometimes a Teen needs this even more than a younger child! Mainly because teens so likely to get into bad habits so much easier when they're confused, feeling abandoned, etc.
Ten years, seven houses, five states!
No this may not be specific enough...but hopes it helps. After 10 years of moving, and several moves...I think these events have bonded my family together in ways that always growing up in the same neighborhood year after year could never have. ANd, I think that both my daughters have gained strength and confidence they would never have acquired if they'd never moved from place to place.
I'm in my 7th house in 10 years!!! Both my girls did fine...ultimately. Articles show it takes about 16 months before life has truly settled down and found comfortable new routines...so don't expect miracles overnight...be patient, loving. I've known teens who flourished from moves...and, sadly, I've seen kids who regressed.
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Great information! I've had several friends who were "army brats" - that is, kids of military parents who kept having to move every year or so - and one of the benefits is that they were eventually able to make new friends very quickly - they had to. They learned to be very outgoing, and not so concerned about other people's perception of them that they weren't going to be who they really were. After all, if people didn't like who they were, it wouldn't really matter because they'd be somewhere else in a little while anyway! These were some of my most self-actualized friends - they knew more who they were, because they had less peer influence in their lives, pressuring them to try to be something else. And these days where one is physically located, even growing up, matters less than ever - there's always the internet. Moving doesn't really affect people quite so much now that you can talk to your friends every single night no matter where you are.
Having moved to Taiwan when I was eight, I remember that packing can be a difficulty, especially for a young one. If they can't take everything, they'll be leaving behind some precious toys and fond childhood memories in the process. Try to keep in mind that kids, especially little ones, haven't had the ability to form more meaningful relationships with others, and so their relationship with their stuff takes on a lot more importance to them than it has for you in decades. Try to keep this in mind when a child gives signs of reluctance to give up many of their toys, rather than see it as something they need to grow out of eventually, anyway. They will; but at that point in their life, it's a large proportion of their connection with the world around them.
You may also want to keep an eye out for social groups in your new location. Those can be terrific for helping children form new friendships, as long as they feel comfortable in that group. Trying to force them into something that only makes them more miserable is generally not a good idea. Scouts, Brownies, Bluebirds, and so forth make great learning and social experiences for children, and they'll carry their newfound skills and a sense of self-reliance with them for years.
Have had the pleasure and the distress of moving several times without children or with them. from one end of the country to another and one country to another
Some were stressful on our sons, which we regretted and endeavoured to make up for this dissettlement. get them occupied by ging them a box and get them to pack all their favourites. Even if you have to repack when they have gone to bed.
Internet helps them keep in closed contact.
Great hub
Thanks for your comments. I agree with Satori's explanantion about small children being more connected to the familiarity of their belongings. Try to include them in the act of separation from any downsizing the family might have to go through, if that's at all an issue. Easier for mom, dad to give up some of the bulk of their belongings, than for a 3, 4, 5, 6 year old to face this element of the move.
To TRSMD,,,yes, children DO want to please their parents. BUT, parents need to be a bit more understanding of the degree of trauma that a move can be in a child's life than in an adult's. Hence the 16 month time of flexibility as the new home "takes hold."
I moved 1/2 way accross the world at age 7 - it was the most exciting thing that happened! We went by ship from UK to NZ so it was a 6 week adventure which few children would experience these days! I think parents over worry about kids - especially as these days they can stay in contact with friends much easier
Excellent Advice.
Thanks, Karen, for stoping by!
Contrary to what most shrinks like to spout, children who've moved around frequently are more independent, and more able to adapt to new situations. My two daughters' teachers were always impressed at how POISED they were IN SPITE OF the moving. One is now a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy. Only time will tell whether the grandkids adapt to frequent moves as well as she did.
As Satori said, keeping children and familiar belongings together makes a move much less traumatic for them.
To JamaGenee, I agree about the poised element. Always receiving comments from other aduts about both my girls' (now young women) ability to converse with adults, their "grace and poise" to use some old fashioned words, their ease in unfamiliar situations. AND both chose to move yet again...chose to see MORE of the USA as they chose colleges or jobs after college. Adventurous spirits! Sounds like we both have children like that!
I used to lose sleep, chew my nails down to the quick, etc every time one of my daughters was about to indulge in Adventurous Spirit-ing. So they stopped telling me until AFTER the fact, and therefore SAFE, to avoid the Lecture about being careful, yada yada yada...
At some point it finally dawned on Ol' Mom here that they didn't make it this far into adulthood by NOT using their brains and the street smarts learned in all that moving.
I did have a good chuckle, tho, at how upset one Darling Daughter got about Mom Going Off To England ALONE. I'm CERTAIN I was safer as a Woman Alone there than in any large city in the States!
Yes, our grown children are often very protective. I think it's easier on them, as they live their adventurous lives, IF they can think of "ol' mom" as nothing but sitting in a rocker crocheting an afghan....which I have yet to even consider!
Great advice you have given here. I as one who moved a lot growing up used these same techniques with my own children. Fortunately for me I made my last move this year right before my boys hit their "teen" status.
To Stylezink, Yes, my hubby and I were committed to keeping our youngest from having to move during her high school years. We'll never know if she truly understands the sacrifices we made for this to happen. But, truly, those financial sacrifices were many time re-paid to see our youngest able to settle in and make the most of her high school experience.
When preparing to move your child is it better to use a large dog crate or is a properly vented washer box adequate enough?
This Hub hit home. We have moved several times. First to a new house in Seattle, then to Arroyo Grande, a quick stop in San Luis Obispo, then I moved to Berkeley, then to San Francisco, and just recently to Burlingame.
Moving is stressful and I didn't understand the impact it had on my family. My youngest daughter formed relationships and then had to do it over again. Children are resilient, but they still feel stress and loneliness. She had difficulty moving to a new preschool and it took several months before she enjoyed her new school. My wife left good friends each time and as a stay at home mother, found it difficult to meet other Moms in San Francisco.
Now that our oldest is starting school we moved to Burlingame. We picked Burlingame as a comprimise for good public schools and proximity to our office. I hope we are here for a long time....
To funnebone...use the dog crate...the easy latch door makes it easier to offer food and water periodically.
To Paul...Burlingame...that's the San Francisco suburb where I lived! Yeah! It' a great compromise .... my hubby worked on Van Ness in the city and had the shortest commute of all his colleagues. And have lived in Seattle too...Bellevue suburb to be accurate. Seems all my moves required crossing state lines..which means I've taken more driver's license exams than I ever dreamed!
Came across a great book to help little kids deal with change of moving. I bought the book "we're moving." Great resource, very entertaining and includes tips for parents helping kids deal with change. Two thumbs up!
Nice information! Thanks for sharing!
Moving was tough. It was the best thing for us to get place of our own. We moved over the summer a few towns over. We loved the town we were renting in but it was just too expensive to buy a house there. Our son was going into second grade and he took it pretty hard. He seemed to have trouble making friends. Once he finally did get a couple of friends and he got to know all of them his new best friend moved across the country. So that really didn't help. It has been a year and he is doing much better. We try to see some of his old friends whenever we can. He still does Cub Scouts in the old town and that helped too. I can't believe how much you moved. Did you bother to unpack?
Hi, Jim10, thanks for stopping by! Yes, I was a manic UN packer...wanting to make my latest house my HOME just as quickly as possible. I always wanted to feel "settled in" because I felt it helped us all relax as we were dealing with all the other "strangenesses" of being in at a new school, new job, new town, new people, new streets. AT least our house looked familiar, normal...like home. One time we moved just before Christmas, and I made sure the christmas decorations and ornaments were all organized and packed very clearly so we could get out all our favorite family Christmas things ... it really helped! Continuing best wishes as your family, and your son, adjust to all the traumas, large and small, of making a new life in a new 'spot.'
Moving can be very stressful and emotional. Parents get quiet busy packing many valuable possessions when they relocate, but nothing is as precious as children. Relocation is a long process and during this period they can minimize stress on their teen.
thinking about relocating back to the states with my two young daughters, all your advice about moving is great. Is there anything special I should know about enrolling and choosing the right school for my kids?
Many states and/or counties post school student test scores on their websites. Even within one county, scores can vary quite a bit! If you want the best schools for your girls, you might pay a bit more per square foot of housing...but the end result is well worth the cost! You know you've moved into a community/neighborhood that values education for it's young...and there are usually sooooo many other positive consequences...lower crime, well-maintained neighborhoods and property values, a community interested in its success, stronger committment to girlscout/campfire organizations, afterschool programs at nearby churches. Be very vocal about letting your real estate or leasing agent know that a good school, not just the cheapest house, is important to you. Also, a visit to the local public library can let you know...those librarians know which kids are coming in from which schools to work on school projects, and from which schools they never see any kids.
Thanks for stopping by; I hope this information is helpful!
Helping a high schooler may be the toughest. For my part - if you can avoid interrupting your child's high school career, it's well worth it.
I agree...moving a high-school teen is so hard! Who can blame them for feeling upset? Not me! But if the teen involved is not having a good school experience ... bullying and low-self-esteem come to mind... the change can be a chance to begin again!
Trsmd 4 years ago
CHILDREN SHOULD BE ACCUSTOMED TO THE RELOCATION..based on the parents desire..